greengal777's Blog

Well,

  today was a major emotional roller coaster. My younger daughter just got back from vacation with my brother and his partner.She was helping to baby sit their two daughters up Northern Ontario.  I was so relieved to see her. It was like she was a million miles away. She looked so happy and relaxed. She has now just turned 13 and is so amazingly grown up. She is such a JOY and DELIGHT. I really can't believe all the changes and now .. look at her... the beginning of her becoming her own grown-up self. I just wanted to cry and cry but i didn't. Then  me and my sister and her went to get my older daughter(they both live with their dad ...but not far away)  I just couldn't bring myself to   move more than 15 min away  from them.  It was great to get together with everyone and just hang out but it was hard to say bye to them again.. especially when we had only got together a few hours ago. So when, we parted company I felt like a had a million things to say to them....but it just didn't happen.   Then my sister had to do some shopping at local goodwill store.. Well that was so distressing too..dont know why..it just was.. so i left and wandered . I felt a bit better when i left the store.... In the car on the way back to my sister's place she started asking me about how me and my ex would divide custody right s of our girls....Well, I almost started bawling right then..but I just bit my lip (more than once) and she didn't say anything else.I know tonight I am going to have to talk it all over with  my sister but I am so much avoiding it because of the emotional pain.I know I am going to lose it and start crying again.. I always think that I am done with the tears.. but it always seems to sneak up on me... and then BANG   there I am again...back at the beginning again. and feeling damn alone.I know exactly why this is happening , apart from seeing the girls after a time of not being together. It is because  on this Thursday, just a few days away is my first divorce  session with unknown lawyer.ARGGGGGGGHHHHHH..... i feel like packing a backpack andjust headin g for the highway... into another vast unknown, just like this divorce , but one I feel slightly more control over....My parents are stressed,  my girls are stressed, my sister is stressed,  my ex is stressed.. and welll  me of course too. My parents are coming to the first lawyer session with me for moral support ... and geez.. how much I need that.. but I am hoping this lawyer will provide some of that.. but then again.. maybe not. So , it seems the more I dwell on it the bigger and more treacherous it becomes.. I have to really remember that it is not as awful as I am making it and good is and will come of all this..  I am trying so very hard to keep in my prayers and meditation and do many positive affirmations through out the day. I am trying to be confident , positive, human and gentle to myself.. but this part of me is just struggling so much with sadness in regards to the losses and frustration at all that has happened and frailty because.. because...well... I am just human as we all are who are involved in this unfortunate set of occurences.  I feel such overwhelming fear and anxiety sometimes because i really feel like I don't know how to effectively deal with all the events going on and how to make them less painful.. so maybe some of it won't stick to us forever...I say these things from a hurting heart.. and anxious mind. I say this because I am on the verge of a new place... and it makes me so very nervous.. with a small dose of excited anticipation.......I know so much that this is the path I need to take...but... its not  being able to see ahead into the darkened future.. is the thing that makes my hands shake and my heart beat faster...I am believing so hard that I am going to get through this well and my girls too ...and I wokr so very hard for it...but is it enough??? I need to believe it is..  I feel better just getting thisoff  my chest

feeling removed,

out of touch,

wanting to be close but know I'm far away

have I hurt too much?

I grasp on to the grass...

but I feel myself falling off....

holding on to the tendrils and little dirt clumps.

I don't think it's enough.

As I disappear into the atmosphere

I feel myself stretching

I thin down to someone I can't find

I find myself retching

As my grip on my reality starts to leave

the oxygen thins in my over-worked brain

What I have cherished and held close my life

starts to vanish down my life's drain

In this new realm of all unknown

I find myself all alone

it shakes me to the bone

I feel me shiver and moan...

Please...

hold on to me....

Being on this site has made me realize that I want to achieve a crazy old dream. I have wanted to be a writer for a long time now....and... well being 46 makes me realize with a chill that I am not getting any younger baby. So, it's now or never... so I am going to plunge in head first and just keep blogging here. I am also seriously looking to write articles for small local newspapers or magazines.  I have been meeting alot of women who are "living their dreams" for the first time in their lives and I really want this too for ME. I will be taking some writing courses at a local university and press into it with everything I have in me. So, I will appreciate your feedback , be it positive or negative. I can deal with it.  Thanks for all the people I learn from here about better writing techniques and PASSION.

cya in the funny papers.... GG

This is a fantastic story. Last night I went out with my brother and his friend to a friend's art studio grand opening. On the way my brother's friend, who is such a gentle , dynamic soul was talking about some work he had been doing in Toronto. He does repair work on contract and was working on fixing some play ground equipment in a very very poor part of Toronto.

This friend had been working on repairing the slide and was short of some wood so he went to one of the houses nearby and knocked on the door. An older middle-eastern man opened the door. My brother's friend proceeded to ask if the man had some wood so he could finish repairing the slide. Well, it turned out that this man did not have any wood but.. he invited my brother's friend in for dinner (that his wife was preparing) He said the smell of the food was enticing and he was almost salivating because it was so powerful but he said no , that he had to finish working. The man continued to insist that when he was done working that he return to have dinner with his family. My friend then, with no more persuasion , agreed . When he was done the work he returned to the man's house. The man greated him with great enthusiasm and encouraged him to come inside. As my friend looked around he saw there was no couch, tv, computer or even chairs. There were large pillows scattered over the floor. They were brightly coloured and very luxurious. On the walls and on the floor were large , ornate rugs done in many colours and patterned richly. This family did not possess much but were more than open to share their home and meal with a stranger. I thought that these people must have been hungry for conversation so they welcomed my friend in. He sat down on the deep pillows and relaxed a bit after a hard day's work. The man came forward with a large bowl of warm water. My friend was a little confused as to what to do with it. He thought that the bowl was too large to drink from. The man of the house explained that the water was to wash his hands with. However, this man did not just let my friend wash his hands... he actually washed his hands for him (with great ceremony) This made a considerable impression on my friend. It reminds me of Jesus washing the feet of the disciples. It is great to see this tradition of acceptance in to one's own community and opening of one's home still continued today. After this they ate dinner together and it was a wonderful, large meal. It was not overly fancy but it was filling and the company was satisfying. The man of the house and his wife talked about their life back in the Middle-east before they came to Canada and how things changed for them when they settled here. Of course my friend was really enjoying himself and soaking it all in. He just seems to get along really well with anyone, no matter where or how they meet. They had little cutlery in the home because , traditionally , these people ate with their hands and still continued to do so .So he just joined right in. Later on, one of the couples' sons came home . When he saw my friend he immediately came up to him and bowed low to him and held out both of his hands in front of my friend as a sign of welcome. It must have been just a super time. After the meal was finished they sat and talked some more of their families and life past and present and shared of each other. That day my friend, as usual , made some new friends and learned of the generosity of people who have little and how this tradition still carries on, in places, even today . It is a special thing to see that people can and do still reach out to strangers and share what they have, even if little, to give and take...

to share of the little we have can bring back a river of blessing...

something to remember...

I was reading news articles on Yahoo and this one was definitely one for the books..

It seems that in India there is an ancient tradition from oh...... around 500 years ago that new born

babies were dropped unceremoniously 15 meters off the top of this temple . Well.. I guess they were

a  wee bit considerate to the unsuspecting infants by using a blanket to catch them.  I was watching 

the video and the look of terror on the faces of the babies was all too real. They would start wailing

when they were held outstretched in the arms of the man holding them( I don't think a woman

could have done this). Then, when they were finally released their arms and legs stiffened to

prepare for the unknown that was to come.I recall that there were not many women in the

crowded audience.  The entire area was packed tight full of men with looks of hunger on their

faces. I really cannot help but wonder if these men were placing bets on which babies would land

on the blanket and which would hit the ground. Well, I never (fortunately ) saw any video of that

occurence. Hmmmmmm.......it seems like...according to tradition these babies that were dropped

became stronger and more able to survive. Given the rigors of life in India well..... frankly ... I am

surprised. I wonder ...really ...how much longer this extremely dangerous tradition will continue.......

falling into love....

what did I do..

how did I let the trust out of me?

how did I open up a door???

I let the light out of me...

I freed the warmth of my hidden me...

I fell into trust....

would it be ...or would I get only loss???

Feeling joy and delight again....

but.. NO.... it only got swept away..

and discarded into the garbage..

I felt myself shrivel and hide..

to preserve my uniqueness

I buried the seed of me..dry, cracked and withered...

into the ground, deep ..

I felt safe and warm  and protected..

It seemed for like eternity..

I was kept there..

until  my heart said trust again..

and the seed began to swell and grow and...

a sprout was revealed , small against the earth..

and my tiny leaves were spread to the ever present Sun

Had a pretty rough weekend. I am feeling the pressure of the divorce  and sale of house looming. I still haven't got a job neither have I got any unemployment insurance benefits. The powers that be are still deciding if I am worthy of them. I am very short of cash and being tight with my budget. I maybe loosing the pc soon because it is tough to afford the  monthly internet costs. I am going to two different food banks every couple of months and it is still hard to afford much fruit and veggies. My girls are really upset that my ex and I haven't got back together( of course they think this) and as well that the house will be sold soon. It hurts me so much. I feel like such an awful person. I feel so terribly guilty that I have failed my daughters especially. I guess I didn't try hard enough to make this marriage work. I look at my brothers and my sister with their jobs that make them generally happy and moderately well off  and their cars and nice houses and I feel terribly out of place. We got together on Sat. for a family get together now that my parents are back from Fla. and I felt so uncomfortable. I talked a bit and had something to eat with them and played with my younger brother's little girls a bit but generally I felt like I was missing something..... I had to go outside and just sit by myself because I felt so much on the verge of tears.... To my dear girls.. I say I 'm sorry I messed up your fairly okay life.... I don't know how thing s will go and what will happen....I can't see the end... and feel like I'v e gone too far down this road to turn back....

Anybody got any ideas...comments I would appreciate them.

thanks,GG777

I find that alot of people lately having been saying to me...when God closes a door He opens a window.   Well, basically, I am wondering why he closed the door in the first place. I mean if the door was working well why close it anyways???? This saying I  think is said way too much and becomes trite and meaningless. I have asked many fairly intelligent people to explain to me what they think this statement means and they stumble over their words. I am starting to feel after many years of hard times and things being lost from me that God truly thinks I am not worth it and I am starting to feel like any tough effort I make will just have me falling on my face again (and it won't be the first time) I still hold on to this brief, small hope that I will get a little window that I could maybe call for help from as the building that gave me security and comfort burns down around me. I want to make progress and find some degree of satisfaction and peace but it is constantly eluding me.. I trust that one day I will be able to hold on to it and gain strength from it but for now... its far away....I know I am not the only one feeling this way... but I am tired of the hurt and the exhaustion in struggling for goals I may not reach.....thanks for listening..