divorced despair... | greengal777's Blog

Well,

  today was a major emotional roller coaster. My younger daughter just got back from vacation with my brother and his partner.She was helping to baby sit their two daughters up Northern Ontario.  I was so relieved to see her. It was like she was a million miles away. She looked so happy and relaxed. She has now just turned 13 and is so amazingly grown up. She is such a JOY and DELIGHT. I really can't believe all the changes and now .. look at her... the beginning of her becoming her own grown-up self. I just wanted to cry and cry but i didn't. Then  me and my sister and her went to get my older daughter(they both live with their dad ...but not far away)  I just couldn't bring myself to   move more than 15 min away  from them.  It was great to get together with everyone and just hang out but it was hard to say bye to them again.. especially when we had only got together a few hours ago. So when, we parted company I felt like a had a million things to say to them....but it just didn't happen.   Then my sister had to do some shopping at local goodwill store.. Well that was so distressing too..dont know why..it just was.. so i left and wandered . I felt a bit better when i left the store.... In the car on the way back to my sister's place she started asking me about how me and my ex would divide custody right s of our girls....Well, I almost started bawling right then..but I just bit my lip (more than once) and she didn't say anything else.I know tonight I am going to have to talk it all over with  my sister but I am so much avoiding it because of the emotional pain.I know I am going to lose it and start crying again.. I always think that I am done with the tears.. but it always seems to sneak up on me... and then BANG   there I am again...back at the beginning again. and feeling damn alone.I know exactly why this is happening , apart from seeing the girls after a time of not being together. It is because  on this Thursday, just a few days away is my first divorce  session with unknown lawyer.ARGGGGGGGHHHHHH..... i feel like packing a backpack andjust headin g for the highway... into another vast unknown, just like this divorce , but one I feel slightly more control over....My parents are stressed,  my girls are stressed, my sister is stressed,  my ex is stressed.. and welll  me of course too. My parents are coming to the first lawyer session with me for moral support ... and geez.. how much I need that.. but I am hoping this lawyer will provide some of that.. but then again.. maybe not. So , it seems the more I dwell on it the bigger and more treacherous it becomes.. I have to really remember that it is not as awful as I am making it and good is and will come of all this..  I am trying so very hard to keep in my prayers and meditation and do many positive affirmations through out the day. I am trying to be confident , positive, human and gentle to myself.. but this part of me is just struggling so much with sadness in regards to the losses and frustration at all that has happened and frailty because.. because...well... I am just human as we all are who are involved in this unfortunate set of occurences.  I feel such overwhelming fear and anxiety sometimes because i really feel like I don't know how to effectively deal with all the events going on and how to make them less painful.. so maybe some of it won't stick to us forever...I say these things from a hurting heart.. and anxious mind. I say this because I am on the verge of a new place... and it makes me so very nervous.. with a small dose of excited anticipation.......I know so much that this is the path I need to take...but... its not  being able to see ahead into the darkened future.. is the thing that makes my hands shake and my heart beat faster...I am believing so hard that I am going to get through this well and my girls too ...and I wokr so very hard for it...but is it enough??? I need to believe it is..  I feel better just getting thisoff  my chest